This week’s challenge from Chuck: a genre mash up. From a list of 20, I used random numbers and chose 2, Kaiju and Comedic Fantasy.
First I had to find out what those are.
Kaiju: giant monsters – where Godzilla came from
Comedic Fantasy: comedy in the vein of Monty Python and Terry Pratchett.
So basically Godzilla meets Monty Python.
If you could go ahead and read this to yourself in the voice of John Cleese, that would be great.
(Monsters, haggard with love)
“All right now people, line up over here. Let’s go, Kaiju. Okay maybe not a line up. A milling group is fine. A milling group over here. Near me. At least WHERE YOU CAN HEAR MY VOICE. Can you hear me in the back? Fine. Don’t be complaining to me when you don’t hear the assignment. Excuse me? Ngoro? Only one of us talking right now. And that’s me.
Alright everybody today we are concentrating more on the mainland cities. We’ve really given the islands a workout lately, and it’s time to move on. Ugegon, did you have something you wanted to share with the group? Oh, you want to go to Tokyo. Well there’s a surprise. Have any of you given any thought to the other major cities out there?
No, not Beijing. We’ve done that one to death. We here at Olympus have been thinking about going further afield. Reaching out to more people, so to speak. Ha ha, just a bit of humour. Ahem. Anyhow. I’d like you to think about….Vancouver.
Oh calm down, calm down! I know you’ve never eaten a Canadian. I’m sure they’re fine. Just as good eating as the Japanese. And isn’t everybody hungry right now, hmmmm? Who wouldn’t like a – Oranga, get that out of your mouth. Where did you get a human? Spit it out. Dinner time is later. Did you bring enough for everybody? No? Then spit it out, into that garbage can over there. Remember you’re monsters, not animals. Oh, Oranga, shame about your aim. You’ll have to clean that up later. No I am not going to do it for you, I am not your mother.
So we were talking about Vancouver. Or maybe Seattle! Eat some Americans, then move north and dine on the Canadians. No, I believe we had decided Tokyo was out of the question. We are done with Tokyo. I’m not sure there are even any humans living there anymore. Remember we have to manage our resources! You need to eat, and the gods here at Olympus need a few cities leveled.
Lodzos, put me down. We’ve been over this. You all made a deal with the gods. You get to keep existing, and we get a few jobs done.”
**Hermes swings upside down in the air, reminiscing”
“Ah, I remember the good old days! Cities in flames, people begging the gods to save them. Zeus would pick a favourite and we’d discuss it for days. Of course by then it was usually too late to save anybody, but oh, how we enjoyed the debates! There would be dancing and twirling and picking of flowers and eating of vast quantities of chocolates fed to us by tiny elves, and then sometimes a space ship would show up for no reason at all, and we’d all go for a ride and push all the buttons just to see what would happen. Oh, that was living! And then, without so much as a by-your-leave, they forget all about us. After everything we did for them! Ungrateful, selfish little bastards!”
**Tears roll out of Hermes’ eyes and up into his hair. His nose starts to run backwards, which feels strange. Lodzos loses interest and drops him on his head. Hermes picks himself up and brushes himself off, straightening his head on his neck, and looking for his clipboard on the floor**
“Anyway, it’s the humans who’ve changed. They used to pay us the proper respect. Now they think they don’t need to fear any of us! Well we’re changing all of that. They’re all so snotty with their science and their technology and their medicine and plumbing and schools and roads and electricity! Oh look, I’m a hovercraft! I can do anything! Let’s all eat popsicles for breakfast!”
**He goes off on a fairly high-pitched, falsetto rant, striding up and down and waving his arms and clipboard about in an extremely haphazard manner. The Kaiju are embarrassed for him and look away. They will of course discuss this later, whilst taking turns mimicking his behaviour and messy hair**
“Oh my. I don’t know what came over me! I feel much better now. No reason not to be civilized, ha ha! Now just a bit of paperwork to clear up, and you can all head off to Seattle. NO YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TOKYO. Seattle it is.
Last month we had a couple of complaints – nothing serious! You’re all doing a fantastic job. However, somebody has been keeping humans in their pockets for later. Yes, Oranga, I am looking at you. Humans do not keep. Eat them when you get them, and carry on. There will be more humans coming along, no shortage yet! Ha ha. Housekeeping has not been happy about the smell and random bits left here and there.
There’s been a few comments that some of the Kaiju are going out on these raids not looking their very best. Nothing personal! Remember, it only takes a few moments to put on something nice and maybe polish our claws. You are representing all the Kaiju, not just yourself.
Also, may I mention, as I have several times before, that kidnapping beautiful blonde women to moon over lovingly for days before somebody, like for example a giant ape, shows up to rescue them is RIGHT OUT.
Overall, good job on the stomping and roaring and terrifying the locals. Now we’d like to add a bit of fear of the gods into the equation. As if you were saying, hey, remember the gods? They can help clear all this up! We won’t of course, but it would be good to get that feeling out there. No ideas on how to achieve that yet, but we’d appreciate some brainstorming. Maybe a drop of pamphlets? One of you could scatter some paper about as you leave the city in flames. Or maybe we could do a couple TV spots – ‘Bothered by giant monsters sacking your town? Call on Zeus! He’ll be there for you! Because you’re there for him too!’ Then we’ll have a row of Kaiju dancing in the background, with high-kicking legs and big smiles, and then a thousand balloons will drop from the sky, and there’ll be confetti, and a marching band, and maybe some giant eagles swooping in the sky doing aeronatical tricks.”
**Hermes bows to the group and looks around expectantly with a huge smile. The Kaiju stare at him. They look at each other. They stare at him again. There is the swelling sound of crickets. A tumbleweed floats by***
“Any takers? Anyone? Anyone? Well, we’ll come back to that.
Now this is what we have pictured for today’s run to Seattle – it’s Seattle, yes we discussed that. Just now. I’m sure you were here, Rahig. Maybe you were not listening, because we definitely decided on not going to Tokyo. What is with you Kaiju and Tokyo! Why you’re all in love with the place is beyond me!” .
**Half the Kaiju stare at the ceiling. The other half stare at the floor. One of them is drawing a circle on the floor with his toe and not looking at anybody. Nobody is making eye contact with anybody**
“Wait, what’s wrong now? What did I say – oh, was it LOVE? You Kaiju are all in love with Tokyo? Well you have a funny way of showing it. Buildings in flames, streets ripped up, people fleeing and all that. Have you forgotten how they abandoned you? At first they seemed to appreciate your visits. The odd stomping, some people get killed, good times for everybody. Then they decide you never existed at all! Apparently you were all a figment of somebody’s imagination. Now you’ve been replaced by Hello Kitty and Pokemon. Oh now now now, calm down, what’s come over you?”
**The Kaiju are roaring and bashing at the walls and floor. Some are crying. Rahig is hiding his face in his hands. Oranga is so overcome with emotion, he can only slowly chew his last human, tears welling in his giant eyes**
“Well. It looks like it is love after all. Oh dear. Hmmm. Not sure where to go with this from here, so let’s just carry on, shall we? No need for hysterics! Now, our plan for the Pacific Northwest cities looks like this…”
**The Kaiju trample over Hermes, mashing him into the ground**
**A moment later a head pops up out of the mess**
“FINE! Go to Tokyo! Do what you want, don’t mind me! Now I’m just a head, trying to make things better for everybody. Go on, go on, I’ll be fine. I don’t need you. I don’t need anybody!”
**He rolls away, muttering to himself about ungrateful giant monsters and selfish humans and how impossible it is going to be to put a hat on now that he is only a head.
The Kaiju stampede out the loading doors, heading for Tokyo**